Interviewing Skills Gifts

Your salary as a research assistant is commensurate on your ability of spell, define, and delineate the work 'commensurate.'

'Am I left-brained or right-brained? I try to avoid politics entirely.'

I'm looking for employees who have their own unique way of seeing things my way.

"So, tell me a little bit more about this house training you mention on your CV."

"If this goes badly I'm going to post it on my youtube job interview bloopers channel."

"It's made entirely out of rejected resumes."

"You're just the man we're looking for. Come around to this side of the desk, and I'll gather up my things and get the heck out of here."

I'm a self-made man!

'You say you were King of the Jungle, but it seems your experience is mainly in savannah grassland...'

"I see by your resume this would be your first time in a symbiotic relationship."

'I'm sure that you are highly qualified. It's just that we're not hiring anyone at the third grade level.'

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

"Your MBA and PHD are impressive but what concerns me is your low number of Facebook friends."

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

"My biggest weakness? I'm a perfectionist."

'Don't start timing me yet! This staple won't come out!'

"Bob doesn't do well in job interviews, so he hired me. I'm a professional actor who specializes in these situations."

"Yes, we do accept resumes online, but there's more to it than giving me your computer with your resume on it."

"I'm looking for a 'yes man' who can say 'no' without sounding negative"

'Now, remember...let me do the talking.'

"Wow...your resume is quite impressive."

"I see by your resume that you're having trouble finding work because you pad your resume."

"I'll put your application on file, Mr. Brandt, but I'm quite happy with my current paperweight."

'Your CV says in your last job you were responsible for...'

"Allow me to respond to your question with a question of my own that I can answer."

"That's the last time I write my own resume!"

"What we're looking for is someone who think outside the box?"

'Why do you want a career in the bank?'

And I like to call this my 'dance of the enhanced PEP at alternative firms'.

"According to your resume, you've done just about everything except ever having a job."

'What I lack in cognitive flexibility, I make up for in moral flexibility.'

"It says here that in your last job you did a lot of traveling."

'You're on the shortlist. It's between you and the bloke who's going to get the job.'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'Make up your mind, pal - there are plenty of other fish who'd give their gills for this job.'