Interview Comedian Gifts

"You claim that your greatest strength is being a natural predator. We could use someone like you here at this company."

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Where do you see yourself in 20 to 25 years?"

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

'Cat job interviews.'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

"Any other skills?"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'You would too, if they sold your desk and changed all the locks!'

'We're looking for a consensus-building team player, if that's all right with you.'

'One good thing about the salary - you won't be liable for income tax.'

'Having conducted a comprehensive review of your business strategy and financial forecasts...'

'I'm afraid there's be a resume mix up. We meant to call Grim C Reaper.'

'My mother sent down some chicken soup to see if that will help.'

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

"You've omitted your previous patient experience and recommendations from two other doctors."

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'

Uncomfortably open Mike night.

Bar bouncer resumes.

"I don't care if all your friends like that. You go back and put on some more insulation, young lady!"

Parking validation

"Now tell me, what do you think you would bring to our company?"

"I see by your resume that you've got a big problem with formatting."