Interview Humorist Gifts

'We were ready to hire you until we saw the photo of you on Facebook sliding on the ice...'

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

Woman applying for a job in the oil business.

'Oh, I don't know....maybe my inability to endure meaningless interview questions. Next...'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'This is the worst CV I've ever seen!'

"I think that one of my best qualities is my imagination, evidence of which you can interpret from my list of qualifications on pages 3, 4, 6 and eight."

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

"I don't look at it as bouncing from job to job, I'm merely gaining a broad base of experience."

'I notice in your resume that you said, and I quote, 'I pay attention to details'.'

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

'Your resume says that you were previously a waiter. Can I assume that you're comfortable taking orders?'

'Thank you for attending the interview Mr Jones. And if we do ever have a vacancy for a no-hoper, I'll be in touch.'

'Sorry I'm late for my interview. There was a leaf on my driveway.'

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

"Now tell me, what do you think you would bring to our company?"

'Anyone can bilk the 'have nots'. We're looking for someone who can bilk the 'haves'.'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"Will I need a tax shelter?"

"I have no luck at job interviews. As soon as I say I'm Juan Tedd, they say the job's been filled."

"Very impressive application, I didn't even realise there was a Nobel prize for 'Best sales guy on the planet'."

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

"What's your biggest weakness?"

"Any other skills?"

'I'm afraid there's be a resume mix up. We meant to call Grim C Reaper.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

'My lack of work ethics means you won't have to worry about me compromising.'

"I see you work well with the subconscious fears of others."

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

'Her CV wasn't the only thing that was padded.'

My departure was quite amicable- they thought I should be sacked and I agreed.

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'You would too, if they sold your desk and changed all the locks!'

Bar bouncer resumes.

"How are your computer literacy skills?"

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'