Interviewee Humorist Gifts

Don't ring us and we won't ring you.

'What else can you do?'

"So, I see you have a background in advertising..."

"This your resumé?" "Yes, it's a list of things I hope you never ask me to do."

'I know my resume makes me seem overtrained, but I really wasn't paying attention.'

'We like your style, but hate your substance.'

'So you have a PhD, big deal, everyone working here has one! The question is, what can you really do?'

'I'll be a responsible and mature asset to the company, as proven by the lack of asinine photos of me on Facebook.'

'Cat job interviews.'

Experience is important, so I'm inclined to leave questions of ethics to those who have them.

'Are all of these letters of recommendation from your mother?'

'Anybody who has a life, gets more work.'

'Is that the extent of your work experience, court ordered community service?'

"I have to be honest: the job you're applying for is a real no-brainer. Are you sure you're OK with that?"

'We're looking with someone with balls...not an enlarged prostate.'

"Any other skills?"

"Your accomplishments speak for themselves. Unfortunately for you, I'm completely fluent in exaggeration."

'Point of clarification, sir. Are you still in charge, or have you ceded power to your sock puppet?'

The team wondered if he would ever fit in.

'W e e e l l . . . my mum says I'm good at testing the patience of saints'

'Why did you leave your last job?' 'You would too, if they sold your desk and changed all the locks!'

"Of course there is still a lot of stigma attached to being undead, I hardly ever get past the interview stage."

'Well, I'm glad you two share a sense of humor.'

'We're looking for a consensus-building team player, if that's all right with you.'

"I don't look at it as bouncing from job to job, I'm merely gaining a broad base of experience."

"You seem to have the right combination of bitterness, pessimism, and caffeine consumption that we're looking for."

'I'm afraid there's be a resume mix up. We meant to call Grim C Reaper.'

"Have you any OTHER questions apart from home soon you qualify to take sick leave?"

'In hindsight, I believe that our oversight was shortsighted. At least that's my insight.'

'Your resume says that you were self employed and then you were fired?'

Bar bouncer resumes.

'Well, thanks for coming in. We'll get back to you.' The search for Big Foot continues.

'It's in my resume. I don't do computer windows.'

"Now tell me, what do you think you would bring to our company?"

"I don't see your Zodiac sign anywhere on your resume."