Interior Humorist Gifts

"Things to do today: 1) stare out window 2) crap on new bedspread 3) stare out window 4) claw up ottoman 5) stare out window 6) take nap."

'I had a little chat with our architect today and we both agreed it was very important for you to have plenty of crawl space.'

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Duvet nailed to the floor.

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

"What?"

Bed Fellow

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

Carpet Cows

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

'Gravity wins - again.'

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

'A Dust Cow'.

'You may be the CEO of a large corporation, but at home you're an OMW, observe my whims!'

Fancy Wallpaper in a Cell

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'