Interior Designer With Humor Gifts

'When we converted the pub into a house, we decided to keep some of the original features.'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Duvet nailed to the floor.

"Things to do today: 1) stare out window 2) crap on new bedspread 3) stare out window 4) claw up ottoman 5) stare out window 6) take nap."

Dog Bookends

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

Shaker furniture: The flamboyant years.

'Pssst. Go play in your new fun house or you'll hurt daddy's feelings.'

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

'I can use surgery to restore your sex drive. Do you want the £3000 operation or the £4000 one?' - 'I'd rather have a new kitchen.'

"The carpet really brings the room together."

"Reproduction furniture."

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"We'll take it."

'Days until miminimalism is over and we can get our things out of storage...'

Budget Recliner

"I'm thinking about a complete makeover. An extra wick or two and a scent infusion."

I LOVE what you've done with the place!

'The principal says her door is always open, until it slams shut when you're in there!'

Man escaping prisoner via feng shui

"There's slipping in the bath then there's slipping in the bath."

Duck has human t-shirts on wall.

"You know they're just plastic, and I know they're just plastic, but take them down."

"Faux wood grain towel dispensers, matching toilet plunbers, herb scented urinal cakes, where's it all end, Stan?"

'It also makes a great hat rack.'

"Do you know what DFS stands for? Designed for Scratching."

'I think the flat screen TV goes well next to my flat headed husband.'

'Any chance you could keep my cell for me? I'd only just got it how I wanted it...'

'Hey, I love the moat.'

'I told you it wouldn't fit through the door!'

"The hibiscus really ties the place together."

Unfinished furniture.