Interior Designer With Humor Gifts

'When we converted the pub into a house, we decided to keep some of the original features.'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

Still Life With Nordic Track

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Duvet nailed to the floor.

"Things to do today: 1) stare out window 2) crap on new bedspread 3) stare out window 4) claw up ottoman 5) stare out window 6) take nap."

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

Dog Bookends

'Pssst. Go play in your new fun house or you'll hurt daddy's feelings.'

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

'I can use surgery to restore your sex drive. Do you want the £3000 operation or the £4000 one?' - 'I'd rather have a new kitchen.'

Shaker furniture: The flamboyant years.

"The carpet really brings the room together."

"Reproduction furniture."

Goldfish in Bowl, "And this is the sitting room and the bedroom and the toilet and...."

"We'll take it."

Budget Recliner

'Days until miminimalism is over and we can get our things out of storage...'

I LOVE what you've done with the place!

"I'm thinking about a complete makeover. An extra wick or two and a scent infusion."

'The principal says her door is always open, until it slams shut when you're in there!'

'Any chance you could keep my cell for me? I'd only just got it how I wanted it...'

Man escaping prisoner via feng shui

'It also makes a great hat rack.'

"Faux wood grain towel dispensers, matching toilet plunbers, herb scented urinal cakes, where's it all end, Stan?"

"Do you know what DFS stands for? Designed for Scratching."

"You know they're just plastic, and I know they're just plastic, but take them down."

'I think the flat screen TV goes well next to my flat headed husband.'

"There's slipping in the bath then there's slipping in the bath."

'Hey, I love the moat.'

Duck has human t-shirts on wall.

'I told you it wouldn't fit through the door!'

"The hibiscus really ties the place together."