Interior Comedy Gifts

"What do you think?"

"You know, I've often wondered where the fuse box is myself."

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Duvet nailed to the floor.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Things to do today: 1) stare out window 2) crap on new bedspread 3) stare out window 4) claw up ottoman 5) stare out window 6) take nap."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

Dog Bookends

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"What?"

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

Fancy Wallpaper in a Cell

"That's not the thrum and rumble of the great metropolis -- that''s the dishwasher."

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'

"Marge, did you leave something soaking in the sink again?"

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

"We couldn't do this before the iron age."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

"The five-second rule doesn't apply to soup."

"The carpet really brings the room together."

"There ya go. Cushion rot from farting into the same old chair for 40 years"

"I'm getting real sick of picking up your laundry, Adam."

"If it says to add water, and I'm the one who adds it, I'm cooking."

'Boy... our welcome mat really works, Dad!'

"What are you looking up, recipes for disaster?"