Interior Comedy Gifts

"What do you think?"

"You know, I've often wondered where the fuse box is myself."

'Maybe he said store the wine horizontally...'

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

"According to this article, snoring can result in justifiable homicide."

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

"I feel like pushing the envelope this morning, honey, starting with a little grape jelly for that bran muffin."

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

Duvet nailed to the floor.

"Honey, close the fridge door while you're thinking!"

"Things to do today: 1) stare out window 2) crap on new bedspread 3) stare out window 4) claw up ottoman 5) stare out window 6) take nap."

Attack of the 65 - Inch Woman

"What?"

"I guess it's too late to warn you that I turned off the hot water."

Dog Bookends

'I can't take much more of the happiness treadmill.'

"My wife, my best friend and our prenup!"

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'oh...You're home, just when my spirits were rising.'

"Marge, did you leave something soaking in the sink again?"

'Since we've been married thirty years, Lester, I think it's time to face up to the fact that we've been seeing too much of each other.'

Fancy Wallpaper in a Cell

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

"I thought it would be cheaper to weed wack our shag carpet rather than replace it."

'That's not true, I do listen. I'm just not very interested.'

"The five-second rule doesn't apply to soup."

"That's not the thrum and rumble of the great metropolis -- that''s the dishwasher."

'I think my husband is trying to bore me to death.'

"They say you're supposed to listen to what your body is telling you."

"What are you looking up, recipes for disaster?"

"There ya go. Cushion rot from farting into the same old chair for 40 years"

"If it says to add water, and I'm the one who adds it, I'm cooking."

'Boy... our welcome mat really works, Dad!'

"I'm getting real sick of picking up your laundry, Adam."