Interior Humorist Pillows

"Things to do today: 1) stare out window 2) crap on new bedspread 3) stare out window 4) claw up ottoman 5) stare out window 6) take nap."

'I had a little chat with our architect today and we both agreed it was very important for you to have plenty of crawl space.'

A slow-moving predator, the couch only needs to eat every few years.

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

Frog to other frog: 'Hey, nice pad.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

'Oh, just chuck it in a corner somewhere...'

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

Duvet nailed to the floor.

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"Buying the largest TV on the market was a good idea. Mounting it was not."

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Bed Fellow

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

"What?"

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Gravity wins - again.'

'Sorry I'm late getting home from work. I overslept.'

Man to wife about book: 'Honey, I think the novel wants out.'

Oh, one door closes, another opens -- How have you been?

Fancy Wallpaper in a Cell

'On second thought, he does do one thing around the house -- he cleans out the refrigerator.'