Insurance Policy Puzzler Gifts

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'Relax, we're letting you go. Your insurance didn't go through.'

"Your insurance just called. They don't cover 'having a bad day.'"

'Do you have your insurance information on you?'

The Public Option

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

"What you have is very expensive to treat. Would you like me to diagnose you with something affordable?"

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

"Trust me, darling. It was only a bumper car ride. I promise, it won't affect your no claims bonus."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'Greenspan today explained the reason the Fed faises interest rates is so they can lower them again.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

"With this policy, at the age of 12, he receives 10 marrow bones a month."

'Wait. . . wouldn't the Golden Harp be covered under the giant's homeowner's insurance?'

Sacking a unprofitable patient

"I'm prepared to cover any out-of-pocket costs, Dr. Williter."

'Just as I thought...you can't collect on the life insurance by boring me to death.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"His blood work doesn’t look half as bad as his HMO."

"No I'm afraid your health insurance doesn't cover this."

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

Entomology Lab. I think the insect population declines we've been seeing in nature are a result of problems with their healthcare system. Podiatry and vision care are not covered services. Your plan will only pay for a one-night stay in the cocoon. The HMO says this is a workers comp issue. Insurance. Premiums are higher for ladybugs than for other bugs.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'

"The doctor recommends payment in advance. A person in your condition doesn't need to be worried about bills."

'We deny most claims, but that's how we keep your premiums so low.'