Insurance Company Critic Gifts

'I'm a struggling actor hired by your insurance company. Your policy doesn't cover a real doctor.'

'Pre-existing conditions - What did YOU die of?'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

Single Prayer Health Insurance

The Public Option

My, grandma, what a big premium you have for a plan that doesn't cover getting eaten by a wolf.

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

"I'd like to approve a second opinion but your HMO considers that experimental medicine."

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

'The shareholders are in an uproar; they demand change. Bob, switch seats with Gerald.'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

Where HMO's are headed

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

Sacking a unprofitable patient

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'I did everything I could...within your price range, that is.'

'Must have had bad weather at the Artist's Colony. All the claims start with 'It was a dark and stormy night.''

So, you'd like a battery of unnecessary tests that aren't covered by insurance .. Are you sure about this? Doctor-Assisted Financial Suicide.

Entomology Lab. I think the insect population declines we've been seeing in nature are a result of problems with their healthcare system. Podiatry and vision care are not covered services. Your plan will only pay for a one-night stay in the cocoon. The HMO says this is a workers comp issue. Insurance. Premiums are higher for ladybugs than for other bugs.

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

Your insurance doesn't cover leeches, but some patients are reporting good outcomes with the escargot.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'