Insurance Policy Critique Gifts

'I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson. Exorcisms are not covered by your health insurance.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

The Public Option

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

"What you have is very expensive to treat. Would you like me to diagnose you with something affordable?"

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

"Trust me, darling. It was only a bumper car ride. I promise, it won't affect your no claims bonus."

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Where HMO's are headed

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

'Wait. . . wouldn't the Golden Harp be covered under the giant's homeowner's insurance?'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

"With this policy, at the age of 12, he receives 10 marrow bones a month."

"Your insurance company decided the heart surgery isn't necessary, but they said they'd approve breast augmentation."

Sacking a unprofitable patient

'Bigger and better golden parachutes is not the kind of innovative proposals that will move our company forward.'

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

"No I'm afraid your health insurance doesn't cover this."

'I did everything I could...within your price range, that is.'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

Entomology Lab. I think the insect population declines we've been seeing in nature are a result of problems with their healthcare system. Podiatry and vision care are not covered services. Your plan will only pay for a one-night stay in the cocoon. The HMO says this is a workers comp issue. Insurance. Premiums are higher for ladybugs than for other bugs.

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'