Insurance Policy Critique Gifts

'I'm sorry, Mr. Henderson. Exorcisms are not covered by your health insurance.'

'Frankly, our dental plan bites.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

We can't call the doctor, we can't call the nurse, we have to call the lady with the alligator purse.

'In sickness and in health, under affordable health care or unaffordable. . .'

'You do have catastrophic insurance, but it only applies in case of invasion from outer space.'

"Trust me, darling. It was only a bumper car ride. I promise, it won't affect your no claims bonus."

'If we can't stand up to the insurance lobby, why would the public think we can stand up against the Taliban?'

"Today we insure every American and end the need for private health insurance."

"What you have is very expensive to treat. Would you like me to diagnose you with something affordable?"

'Sorry. Your accident insurance doesn't cover that kind of incident.'

'Our policy is quite plain. We don't pay out on claims we can't pronounce.'

'Boy! The cost of health care is going up, up, up...'

'I knew it! Important Exclusion 347, 'Plummeting Pachyderms'. . .'

"Most of our procedures are out of network."

Doctor to man: 'You'll need to empty your pockets. For symbolic purposes, let's start with your wallet.'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"This is a third-year medical student. To cut costs, your insurance company dismissed the surgeon."

"No matter how badly you have sinned, you don't have to worry about losing your coverage!"

Where HMO's are headed

"The only psychological treatment covered by your insurance is to cry into this teddy bear."

"With this policy, at the age of 12, he receives 10 marrow bones a month."

'I'm can't tell if this card from our insurance company is optimistic encouragement or a threat!'

'Yes we can cure you - but the bigger problem now is: can you afford it?'

'Bigger and better golden parachutes is not the kind of innovative proposals that will move our company forward.'

Sacking a unprofitable patient

I tried insuring my house over the phone but they insisted on seeing it. It was on fire at the time...

'I did everything I could...within your price range, that is.'

'Human beings get all the breaks -- just TRY to get Medicare to pay for a tree surgeon!'

"No I'm afraid your health insurance doesn't cover this."

'The good news is that I managed to install the wind turbine...'