Infidelity Gifts

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

Emotional Strongman

'I want a divorce...He's not the father of my child.'

'Now, I'm curious as to why there would be blonde hair in your hairball!'

"I've never asked Ralph, but I think there's another woman."

"Your wife ran off with your best friend? Interesting... go with that."

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

"Pregnant!... How did that happen? We took precautions, like not having sex!"

"And this one is for being faithful to my wife."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'Right, how can I help you?'

I was in a menage a trois...until she ran off with our marriage guide counsellor!

"You may not like what I've dug out, but you did ask me to snoop into your husband!"

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

"Your husband is fooling around."

'The first wives club'

Mort, you haven't dealt with your anger over Sadie's infidelity. Tell her how you feel. Okay. Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. You're a harlot and a tramp. Whatever. Mort, get some heart into it. Use your bullhorn. Harlot!!! Jerk!!! Good, feel the bitter recrimination.

"When he stopped to smell the flowers, his wife found out whose flowers they were!"

"Helen, I really wish you would respect my creative process."

'I do still love you, Morton, but there's a subtext.'

"My wife can't make it tonight, she's on a date."

'...I'm leaving you for Reg next door'

"If you kept up with my blog, you'd understand."

'-you would tell me if there was someone else, wouldn't you, Doris

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Ohmygosh! What? What? Is a Kardashian here? Major scandal. Epic proportions. Infidelity of the highest order. Sadie Cohen has been cheating on Uncle Mort. Can you believe it? Sadie! The very image of perfection revealed as a fraud! She's not the image of perfection. Stick with me. This is for narrative purposes. Oh, fine. No way! But she's so perfect!

'No, Keith. It isn't just the same as me bringing Teddy to bed!'

"So you think I should just ignore it?"

'It's our wedding anniversary today, Pete, I bet my husband forgets all about it, again.'

"Please Mr. Ainsworth - He may talk!"

'I can forgive you, Nichole - but I can never forget.'

'We recorded your wife's activities like you asked and-well...Are you sure you want to see the photos, Mr. Watts?'