Infidelity Tales Gifts

'That was my wife calling from the conference centre - she wanted to make sure I'd put the rubbish out.'

'Is that 'forsaking all others' bit compulsory?'

'This marriage is turning into a complete farce.'

"Yes dear, you have worked very hard on the garden. Unfortunately though, you've put the compost on the weeds and the weed killer on my best roses."

"It's not what you think."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

"Better get two dozen. She won't be able to hit you as hard with both arms full."

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"Don't even start, Claire. You knew I was a snake when you took me in."

'Right, how can I help you?'

"Your husband is fooling around."

The world's most uncomfortable guy on his first day at work. 'This company is run by all my ex-girlfriends.'

Anne didn't see the relationship as being over....

I was in a menage a trois...until she ran off with our marriage guide counsellor!

"You may not like what I've dug out, but you did ask me to snoop into your husband!"

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

'Now, I'm curious as to why there would be blonde hair in your hairball!'

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

"Your wife ran off with your best friend? Interesting... go with that."

'I do still love you, Morton, but there's a subtext.'

"When he stopped to smell the flowers, his wife found out whose flowers they were!"

'The first wives club'

"My wife can't make it tonight, she's on a date."

Mort, you haven't dealt with your anger over Sadie's infidelity. Tell her how you feel. Okay. Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. You're a harlot and a tramp. Whatever. Mort, get some heart into it. Use your bullhorn. Harlot!!! Jerk!!! Good, feel the bitter recrimination.

'...I'm leaving you for Reg next door'

'-you would tell me if there was someone else, wouldn't you, Doris

"So you think I should just ignore it?"

Oh my gosh. Oh my gosh. Ohmygosh! What? What? Is a Kardashian here? Major scandal. Epic proportions. Infidelity of the highest order. Sadie Cohen has been cheating on Uncle Mort. Can you believe it? Sadie! The very image of perfection revealed as a fraud! She's not the image of perfection. Stick with me. This is for narrative purposes. Oh, fine. No way! But she's so perfect!

"Public display of rejection"

And for sport we've goot a spittoon.

"I've never asked Ralph, but I think there's another woman."

'No, Keith. It isn't just the same as me bringing Teddy to bed!'

'It's our wedding anniversary today, Pete, I bet my husband forgets all about it, again.'