Infidelity Humor Gifts

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Remember, if you enjoy this intercourse, don't forget to 'like and subscribe'."

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

"Let's take in a trial."

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

Daughter/psychiatrist

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

"I came here because my podiatrist said he couldn't help me with my cold fee."

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

"Is the light bothering you?"

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'