Infidelity Humor Gifts

"Hold it right there buster! Is that a wedding ring I can see?"

Excess Baggage: By the time the male of the species admits he is lost. It is generally too late.

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

"What I really wanted was a dog, but my landlord won't allow it. So I got married instead."

Randy the Love Doctor. What ails you, brother? My wife wants us to renew our vows and have a big ceremony. But I'd rather save that money for retirement. Should I tell her to go take a hike? Of course. That way, there's a good chance you won't have to worry about retirement at all. Exactly ... Wait, what do you mean by that?

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Remember, if you enjoy this intercourse, don't forget to 'like and subscribe'."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

'No, you don't have hemorrhoids. You have a case of himorrhoids, has your husband been a pain in the butt, lately?'

'You've been faking it, haven't you?'

"Let's take in a trial."

"I'm sorry, Doctor, when you said benign growth, I thought you were referring to my husband."

"That word-puzzle gloat of yours is getting old fast."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

'I miss the days when you used to wear cologne instead of just rolling in something in the backyard.'

Ereptile Dysfunction

"The phrase is 'score,' dude."

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

Daughter/psychiatrist

'How many husbands have I had? Do you mean excluding my own?'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

Woman replaces her husband with her smartphone.

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

"You're a lot easier to live with once your antlers fall off."

"My dad was too much of a babe magnet for the marriage to have worked."

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

"I came here because my podiatrist said he couldn't help me with my cold fee."

'There's a simple explanation, dear. Someone stole my identity.'

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

"Is the light bothering you?"

'Wait...if you leave me, can I come too?'