Infidelity Humor Fan Gifts

'I was wrong, your mother doesn't hate me.'

Life is for the birds.

"First date hairball... awkward."

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

European Union Health and Safety Direcorate rules

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

Mort Park! You mean Killer. You're sprung, Killer. I'm free to go? Unless you're so tough now you'd rather stay. I mean a guy named Killer probably likes jail. Mail me my blanky.

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Remember, if you enjoy this intercourse, don't forget to 'like and subscribe'."

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.

"Manfred, don't get so defensive!"

"Ogden, you're taking yourself too damn seriously."

The golfer apologized for all his affairs. The governor regrets all his affairs. So does the former presidential candidate. I don't get the abstinence until marriage idea. Shouldn't it be abstinence AFTER marriage?

'Marry me!'

'Sorry, I'm afraid it was a false alarm. It turns out that 'the emergency gas leak' was my husband.'

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

"Do you have to put tomato sauce on everything?"

"This now concludes our broadcast day."

'Your wife called while you were out, sir -- she loves you and wants to know where the hell you put the car keys.'

Warbling on the First Date

"What the hell do you mean you don't think it's mine?!"

"He's a terrible drunk."

Why Running Away Together Is Not a Very Good Idea...

"I love you, Beverly, but, when I'm with you, I feel out of my depth."

'Not that insect, silly! That's my husband.'

'You never comment in hushed tones of awe when you catch a glimpse of MY wonders of nature!'