Intimacy Humor Fan Gifts

"...and another thing...stop referring to me as user-friendly"

Life is for the birds.

Sauvignon Bonk

Hello. I'm Ferdinand. I'll be monitoring the levels of bull at your table this evening. Menu. Menu.

"First date hairball... awkward."

'Stop complaining woman, you wanted a boating holiday!'

Women in bed with her husband reads a book titled 'Sex Stinks'.

'I wouldn't kick her out of bed.'

"I've been out of the dating scene a long time. Is kissing still a thing?"

"He should be up and complaining in no time."

"Doctor - at home I get this nagging pain... what do you recommend?"

'Adam, you left the toilet rock up again!'

"Open a wine that will make me want to watch the shows you want to watch."

"It's Doris Kearns Goodwin. Is there anything we'd like to know about the Presidency?"

"You don't sniff my butt anymore."

'I knew you would come crawling back.'

"This merger is not producing the expected synergies."

Kiss

"I want more than anonymous sex. I want anonymous intimacy."

'Admit it, you've been laughing behind my back ever since 1957 when we went in that hall of mirrors in Skegness!'

One cheese omelette, and I've never cheated on my husband. Um, okay. Anything else? A side of hash browns for this one-man woman! And a chocolate as hot and sweet as my intensely singular love for this phenomenal guy. Chuck? Yes dear? I've been having an affair for the last six months. Oh don't act surprised. One scone, and what the @#$% just happened? The denial and snacks before the storm.

"Your mind is somewhere else." "My mind is somewhere else."

'Roger, you're just a Rooster and I'm just a Hen. Is all of this necessary?'

"Arouse Me!"

"If I wanted your opinion I would have hauled you in for questioning."

"Well that's the last of our offspring gone - let battle commence."

"Remember, if you enjoy this intercourse, don't forget to 'like and subscribe'."

"Trust me. It's no big deal. I'm even tuning you out right now."

'His ego needs lipo suction!'

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"What is it about a tee shirt cannon that says 'foreplay' to you?"

'Henry, cut that out.'

Still Lives: 'What's wrong, don't you love me anymore?'

'I knew you were mad when I found nettles in my fig leaf drawer.'

What do I want out of our relationship? Same thing anyone wants. Good value.