Husband Humorist Gifts

'Your wife came by and left a message'

"Just keep quiet and listen to what we have to say."

',,, and if anyone knows of a reason why these two should not be married, let them storm this castle with pitchforks and torches or forever hold their peace,'

'I now pronounce you man and wife, you now may kiss you sweet little bachelor butt goodbye.'

"The yellow spotted green bird, eats its body weight in bugs, and mates once every three years."

'He does.'

'...honestly I just feel like we don't communicate like we used to!'

'No, but thanks for asking,'

'How about joining us for a soda and pizza after the ceremony?'

"Happy anniversary, dear… 'happy wife, happy life!'" "That's because nothing rhymes with 'happy husband.'"

"I do. Have your people contact my people to hammer out the details."

"What's this for poorer stuff?"

'It's been years since she sang my praises.'

'Your wife says you act like a fool. I thought you said she never pays attention to you.'

'...I now pronounce you man and wife, anything you say can and will be used against you in a court of law.'

"Just a minute, Mister. You're not going out of here looking like that."

"Excuse me, Reverend, but what, exactly, do you have to do to get a drink around here?"

'Well, that's just great...you can part the Red Sea, but you can't open a jar of pickles for me!'

'Either you do or you don't - there isn't any 'cooling-off' period!'

'Wait a minute -- you haven't said anything about a retirement age.'

Odysseus starts regretting his return to Ithaca.

"Why can’t this count as ‘date night’?"

"I see marriage as a verb, he sees it as a triathlon."

Another Filibuster from the Secretary of the Interior of My Car

"The waiter said he wouldn't recommend the octopus, so what do you order? The octopus."

"First, I'll read the minutes from your last weddings."

Bride with a ventriloquist's dummy.

The Aisle

'Doris,do you realize you are destroying a perfectly happy marriage?'

'It's true that my wife does forgive and forget - the trouble is that she never forgets what she's forgiven...'

'I didn't know the church sold an extended warrenty on marriage?'

"You might want to save that for your blog."

"If either of you know any cause or impediment why you should not be married, INCLUDING YouTube CLIPS, declare it now."

'And by clicking on 'I Agree,' you agree to the terms and conditions...'

"Congratulations, dude, and you may now play tonsil hockey with the bride."