Humorous Husband-wife Tales Gifts

'Quick, Harriet, throw me Fluffy - You know how cats hate water!'

"So, what you're telling me is: I have unusually high negatives for a third-year husband..."

'Great sermon, Reverend! Too bad my husband couldn't stay awake to hear it.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'Good news Darling You've received loads of bids,,,'

"Let's take in a trial."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

'The rain must have made our garage shrink...'

"You know you're getting old when you need a hearing aid to hear your bones creak."

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

'I do wish you'd use the study when you work from home.'

'Golf is Life (his).'

'My interest in gardening backfired when I married a couch potato.'

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"You're lucky your garden failed. If I'd had to can it, it would've been your marriage."

'What seems to be the problem?'

"That's O.K., I'll go—'m dressed."

'This always seems to happen on your night to cook.'

'Cheers, it's worth the domestic hassle.'

'How was I to know that you don't like Marzipan?'

She always said that Harold hogged the covers. Mildred Sims. Harold Sims.

'I should have listened to my mother. . . when she said you were immature.'

'This is my new husband Gregory -- I don't quite have all the bugs out of him yet.'

"I said I was sorry. No need to bite my head off!"

Your nose used to light up and buzz when I touched you.

'They're like ice! You're like a giant vampire bat sucking the warmth out of me!'

"Do you know how distracting it is when you spin the chamber on that revolver?"

'I hope you don't mind carpooling.'

'Oh for crying out loud, so there's a spider in the bathtub!!'

"Are you sure? Hot sex is a leading cause of global warming??"

"It's appendicitis, madam. No need, at this point, to pull the plug."

"He complains like a kid over a minor cold. He's such a groan man!"

"Big deal, so you taught him to beg. I taught you how to do that on our wedding night."

Angry wife and a drunken husband will need medical assistance.

The seven year itch. 'Relax, it's only fleas.'