Funny Spouse Moments Enthusiast Gifts

'I've been offered early retirement but my wife won't let me take it.'

'Wait a minute - How do we break a tie?'

"Have you met my bodyguard?"

'Looks like the Wentworths are still on the outs.'

"Yes, I've made three resolutions - not to drink less, not to stop watching football on telly and not to spend more time at your mother's."

'The rain must have made our garage shrink...'

'My wife likes it when I help out in the kitchen.'

"What do you mean I never take you anywhere? We're here, aren't we?"

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

"No heroic measures."

'Golf is Life (his).'

"You never tell me you love me." "I told ya' once. I'll let you know if anything changes."

"Would it kill you to help around the house for once?!"

'You were nagging your husband all over the road. I'll need to see your marriage license.'

Amanda Kern. Comics counseling. Well, first of all, he can't find anything, ever. I have to find the man's socks, his toothbrush

'What seems to be the problem?'

"The computers are down. You'll just have to suffer and go outside and play."

'What I hate most is coming home and having all those damn Harleys parked in my driveway!'

'you should know my wife thinks I'm stupid.'

"Is that your answer for everything...fold in a stick of butter?"

'He's probably charming the pants off your receptionist'

"'Till death do you part?"

"How did my mom know I went to get ice cream after school? She's either placed a tracking device on me, or she's tracking my phone."

"You've been ages,dear-but never mind I've been patiently waiting in the pub accross the road!"

"I'm so sorry, I never meant for you to find out this way."

'When did your role as husband become mainly ceremonial?'

"He complains like a kid over a minor cold. He's such a groan man!"

"Honey, I'm home."

'My wife and I have single beds, mine in London and hers in Lincoln.'

'Surprised she's getting married again. In lieu of wedding gifts, she's asking for donations to help retain a divorce lawyer.'

"Wake up Jeff. You're snoring again!"

"My wife says I never listen to her ... or something like that."

'I married Miss Right... I just didn't know her first name was Always!'

'Trouble is he doesn't know the difference between lube and putty. . . Our windows fell out!'

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