Comical Couple Stories Gifts

'I met my wife on Faeces Book.'

"Oooh... Look, honey. Scarlet macaws! You know, they mate for life." "That's what you think."

Stand-up Romcom

You got what you deserve … you deserve each other.

"It was your idea to install the TV dish on the church spire"

'If you're going to marry this geek, I suggest you get the extended warranty.'

"My fella was chucked out of the water-birth for running around the pool and bombing."

"The secret of our relationship? Easy. She just acts as if I don't even exist."

"I'm pretty lucky. I have a wife that tolerates both my lactose and bad habits."

"You say that I love the Liverpool football team more than I love you?...."

'Use a tissue, dear. There's an icicle on your nose.'

Female sock walks away from male sock, saying: 'Look, it's just a trial separation, OK?'

"I want to make it with you."

"We have met today because you, Cynthia, and you, Kevin, now want to look together for a scapegoat to blame for your stupidity, your laziness, your total failure, and for your antisocial behaviour."

'Oh, don't feel bad. They say it happens to all men at some point. But then again, I never did hear of it happening to a bear!'

'Sorry darling, I'm too tired to lift you onto your pedestal tonight.'

'When we were first married, he was all 'Cock-A-Doodle-Do.' Now, he's just 'Cock-A-Doodle-Don't.''

"Sounds like you've both been pushing each others' buttons."

'For those who the internet hath brought together, let no man put asunder...'

"I'll start dancing like Fred Astaire, when you stop dancing like Nellie the Elephant!"

'And they lived happily ever after - well beyond their means.'

'Since we were first married, I vowed I'd never let Jim see me slopping around in the mornings with my hair in curlers!'

"You used the right amount of detergent and fabric softener. The problem is this washing machine isn't for dishes."

'Wait a minute, this prescription is for a dozen oysters and half an ounce of powdered rhino horn!'

'I see the glass as half-full. Whereas he sees the glass and blames me for the naked man hiding in the closet.'

'That's in case there's any backsliding.'

Couple in front of computer. Screen reads 'Internet shopping with husband'. Husband is huffing, puffing and sighing.

'At home, he's my husband, here; he's my dump bucket.'

Tantrum sex.

"Well of course there's a damp patch on the mattress - does it matter who sleeps on it?"

'You've got to be brave now... I'm not going to leave you in 2009!'

'We never go out. We have no social life. We have no income. We have no friends. We're sexually too compatible.'

'Nothing to worry about, Dear, just a little accident on the information superhighway.'

'You always insist on having the last word.'

Man at 'Returns' window: 'It's probably better if my wife told you what I think...'