Humorist With A Love For Classics Gifts

'Hey, check this out: The Greeks are building a big wooden horse outside Troy...'

"I'm expert at sniffing out blame."

Clown on bike.

'Eat less. Drink less. Be merry more.'

Honest Vending

'Perhaps sir would like the dessert menu?'

'What was that?!' 'A 'Mach'-ing bird.'

"He was the one everyone called 'The Greatest.' Then one day, a stranger turned up in town."

"Relax. At your age, it's common to have a nose hare now and then."

"The recipe said to let the chicken rest after it comes out of the oven!"

Traditional Ale - Traditional Drunk

Frank & Ernie's Diner. Today: Yogurt Surprise. We call it "yogurt surprise" because we couldn't read the expiration date on the carton.

'I'm going to have an out-of-body experience -- can I bring you anything?'

Welcome Association of Stage Builders.

"Honey, have you seen my onions?"

'It's not as easy as you think - saddle sores, bursitis in the shoulder, pigeons...'

"Thank you! That last tune took some fancy fingerpickin'. Apologies to those in the front who may have gotten a press - on nail or two in their drink."

'Best watchdog I ever had!'

'How was your holiday?' - 'Fantastic! Great weather! Great food! No illness!' - 'So, back to work tomorrow, then?' - 'Yeah, I guess so.' - 'Lousy, germ free holiday.'

Three kids in a trench coat, twenty years later.

'Then it's settled. We'll make 7 million with blue handles, 5 million with red handles, 4 million with purple handles and 2 million with green handles.'

'The guy at the end of the bar, would like to know if he can get you to buy him another drink?'

300 cows in a field...grazing!

'Like you, I don't know why they feed us every day, but as long as they do it, I'll stay...'

"Roadkill cookies"

'Damn, I'm out of earshot!'

I came, I saw, I partied!

'I told you not to order the chocolate cream surprise.'

"You say we atheists are going to Hell? Look at all the f**ks we give... Go ahead... Look at them all."

Holy Macaroni,

"What do cows do in their spare time?"

'Peanuts, popcorn, steroids!'

Yet another creepy clown sighting...

"Time to administer scout leader first aid protocol..."

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'