Humorist Raccoon Fan Gifts

"Oh no. . . I forgot my mask!!!"

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Introducing...Anagraman.

"I sure hope there's something good in here. I worked up quite an appetite getting past that raccoon-proof lid."

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

'Check out the old dude.'

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

"Got any bathtub gin?"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'I don't remember this canoe being this heavy, do you Tom?'

"Do you do much walking?"

"What? Don't yuck my yum!"

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

DOWN WITH THE KING!, 'Do you know what the PENALTY is for disturbing the peace during wartime?'

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

"I can't come in today, I'm feeling like myself."

'Steve says that he doesn't understand why the liberals are so glum! They already have a majority.'

The Pencil and Sharpener

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."