Humorist Raccoon Fan Gifts

"Oh no. . . I forgot my mask!!!"

"She's fine. She just needs some tofu."

"I don't want a G.O.A.T, I want a S.C.A.P.E.G.O.A.T."

'I didn't dedicate my book, A Lifetime of Wine Tasting, to my 3 ex-wives and nine kids, because they made it possible. I did it because they made it necessary.'

"I'm not here to slay you. I'm here to talk to you about diversifying your investment portfolio."

Molecules You Ought to be Aware of.

"Don't shave it. It gives your face character."

Odd Angles,a monthly strip on coarse angling.

Social Distancing Club

At This Restaurant, There Are Only Two Dishes on the Menu and They Both Suck

Goat about goat: 'He's no longer gruff since he's been on Prozac.'

Cow talking to dog: 'What...You eat your own...?!'

Introducing...Anagraman.

"I sure hope there's something good in here. I worked up quite an appetite getting past that raccoon-proof lid."

'One final question: Have you ever been disciplined, investigated or suspended for integrity on the job?'

Mystery Solved - Boxers or Briefs, 'Thanks but you could have just told me.'

Overshadowed by the Tony's: Broadway's Lesser Known Awards

'Check out the old dude.'

"If you think you made a stink pulling the fruit, try pulling His finger."

"Sorry, dear... I don't have a pumpkin spiced flat white chai latte. I just have this one..."

'It's the same everywhere: body over brains.'

Next year, we are NOT going to Costco.

"Got any bathtub gin?"

'And we have an employee wellness program. By not offering health insurance or sick pay, we encourage wellness.'

'I don't remember this canoe being this heavy, do you Tom?'

"Do you do much walking?"

DOWN WITH THE KING!, 'Do you know what the PENALTY is for disturbing the peace during wartime?'

'It's a zen diaphragm.'

'Next Please...' (Joe's Sharpening Service).

"Leon, honey, you break all the rules of dramaturgy."

"What? Don't yuck my yum!"

The Pencil and Sharpener

"POOPIN'! It's the Butt Signal!"

'F-E-E-D-T-H-E-D-O-G . . . Hey that's spooky! Why would your granddad say that?'

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."