Humor Occasions Pillows

'They wouldn't let him graduate from obedience school - he bit the valedictorian.'

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

Billy. The Kid.

"Been following me around all morning. I think it's the new intern."

"She's a dachshund-lemming mix."

'Your thesis on 'how to keep warm in winter'? Interesting.'

It is believed dear Jack finally figured out women. Trouble is, he died laughing before he could tell anybody.

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

Aggression/Security

Fat Kid 14- Gets re-animated

"Only one of us can be 'The Funny One'."

"I've outlived my conventional and alternative doctors."

''Exercise'? -- But I hate to eat and run!'

"Today's special is we'll pull the plug on the jukebox if someone else's music annoys you."

'Leap frog? No thanks- I'm a toad.'

"Hi, my name is Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "And I have a drinking problem." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph." "Hi Rudolph."

'It's not Spring yet! Go back to sleep!'

"Damn it, Hopkins, didn't you get yesterday's memo?"

"Boss, can you check the address again? I have a bad feeling about this one."

"Dear Santa, This Christmas please send clothes for all those poor naked girls on daddy's computer. Love, Veronica"

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'Yeah, I hate change, too.'

"Just because you can go around the world in one night doesn't mean you can also do your taxes that way!"

"Such a heavenly night I spent in your bed."

Santa Enjoys Venison.

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

Peace Negotiator now available for Weddings, Funerals, Christenings, Barmitzvah

"..and you'll also need Percy here, his interpreter"

'You're seeing someone else, aren't you?'

"Any chance one of you might hang around and be our sitter for New Years Eve?"