Humorous Occasions Pillows

'Is this your son? We need to talk!'

'Great job! -- Take the rest of the day off!'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'I'm sorry, but I don't know where 'this is'. I, too, am a stranger here.'

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

'They wouldn't let him graduate from obedience school - he bit the valedictorian.'

Clown

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

"Wow, I wish I'd thought of that! My last words were pretty naf."

"The fax machine ate my homework."

'And...?'

"I've been praying for an excuse not to go Christmas shopping."

Santa replaces reindeer with a mobility scooter.

Working from home

Santa: 8 Items or less

Reindeer Farts: 'Shouldn't have stopped for those chilli dogs.'

"I can't find anything on line. I'm going to the mall."

I brought a little ice breaker.'

'What exactly is this darling, in case I have to describe to later to a doctor?'

The Drinker.

An injury to hide from the ladies.

"It's interesting how differently the dog and cat play."

'I don't like the way your eyes light up when that nurse comes in!'

"We're under stage four water restrictions!"

'As usual...you get the glory and I get the dirty job.'

'Oh, do you do Sumo?'

Santa gets caught short.

"Your parents bring the presents, and he takes the credit."

A Man Whose Trousers Do Not Fit.