Humorous Occasions Gifts

'Is this your son? We need to talk!'

'Great job! -- Take the rest of the day off!'

"it's just... we're too lazy to have any of our own."

'I'm sorry, but I don't know where 'this is'. I, too, am a stranger here.'

'So let me see if I've got it straight. It was a very large squirrel and your husband is a nut.'

'Kids like my presents, but do they really like me?'

'May I recommend a dry white with the seafood dish.'

"Tonight, we'll be eating hot dogs with a mustard-ketchup-and-pickle purée, accompanied by peas lightly sprinkled with ketchup. Then fettuccine al dente with a ketchup sauce, followed by applesauce maison with a dollop of you know what!"

"Doesn't it seem like we just finished letting the air out of last year's tree?"

'Hey Dave, check out the kinky underwear this chick is taking on her trip!'

'They wouldn't let him graduate from obedience school - he bit the valedictorian.'

Could I trade in this greyhound for a dachshund? My doctor says I have to slow up.

Clown

'What I wouldn't give for some good eczema medication!'

"The fax machine ate my homework."

"Wow, I wish I'd thought of that! My last words were pretty naf."

"… and then Roger discovered fly fishing and I discovered Gregory."

'And...?'

"I can't find anything on line. I'm going to the mall."

"I've been praying for an excuse not to go Christmas shopping."

Royal Gym. Heavy is the head that wears the crown. And the body isn't in great shape either.

Santa replaces reindeer with a mobility scooter.

Santa: 8 Items or less

Working from home

Reindeer Farts: 'Shouldn't have stopped for those chilli dogs.'

I brought a little ice breaker.'

The Drinker.

"It's interesting how differently the dog and cat play."

'I don't like the way your eyes light up when that nurse comes in!'

An injury to hide from the ladies.

"We're under stage four water restrictions!"

'What exactly is this darling, in case I have to describe to later to a doctor?'

'As usual...you get the glory and I get the dirty job.'

Santa gets caught short.

'Oh, do you do Sumo?'