Humor Lover On A Diet Journey Gifts

'I'm putting you on the 'Don't eat so damn much' diet.'

'What I like best about a magnum of Champagne is, it's a controlled portion.'

'Say low-cholesterol dairy-free alternative to cheese!'

'I just got the medium popcorn this time.'

'The customer is always right...'

Calorie averaging...With the oven-fresh trip-el burger, you get one French fry.

"Do you know donuts have fewer calories than you? I guess that would explain your muffin top."

Weight Gain Denial

'No, it's not water. You seem to be retaining food.'

"Got anything else? I gave up carbs."

'It's a simple matter of checks and balances: your waistline has spread and your brain has shrunk.'

'Hundreds of years of medical progress, and all you can tell me to do is eat less?'

'I'm afraid I can't accept that excuse Mrs Hart. It isn't possible to inhale second hand calories.'

"Really, yes, I'm on a diet too: I need to almost double my summer weight before the start of the winter hibernation..."

The real reason salad aids weight loss

'It's a middle-age spread spread.'

'Of course they're not working. You're not supposed to have appetite suppressants for dessert.'

"Is it working?"

"I'm trying to eat more vegetarians."

'Step One...a pie chart is not dessert.'

Overweight Man With Skipping Rope - To Be Taken 3 Times A Day.

"There were days he could kill for a piece of tofu."

'Live there? I might as well wear it on my hips!'

'I don't like to complain, but I'm getting a little tired of crudités.'

"Why do you call it a thyroid problem when it's been giving me an excuse for the 20 pounds I gained this year?"

'I'm on a strict diet... so no pie charts.'

My budgie likes Mars bars.

"Will I be searched for chocolate when I board?"

"Imagine bread is a lot like the sun...It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist."

'Of course I'm on a strict diet, doc! I eat vegetarian animals only!'

'Of course on this new diet, I only count the calories of the food I eat whilst other people are in the room.'

Excess Baggage: If calories consumed on vacation don't count, then little creatures must sneak into your room at night to shrink your clothes.