Housing Market Satirist Gifts

"Dream on, Meredith - this one is way out our price range..."

'I'm sorry but I need your bed. I've just been kicked out my flat.'

'Mr. Jones? I've found a house that fits your funds perfectly! It even has a little garden!'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

"Efficiency tombs available"

"I've downsized."

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

Coming Soon- Trump Circle

"It's a bit of a fixer-upper."

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'

Toughing it out in the real estate game.

This is our proposal for your new housing development. We've chosen to call it The Meadows.

'Cosy little kitchen, isn't it?'

"We're thinking of downsizing."