Property Market Satirist Gifts

'It's got all the original features.'

"We left the veldt when the hippos moved in, they were dragging the area down."

'And if you look to your left between the condos and the ABD store, you can see the ocean.'

"Liable to flooding? Whatever gives you that idea sir?"

Do you mind if we stop calling this a "starter house" now?

Tidy it up for the open house, and it wouldn't hurt to put out some freshly regurgitated worms. For sale.

'. . .actually I'm not a real Guru, I was forced up here originally by the property prices.'

Estate Agent showing client his parents' house - '...and here's one from our affordable homes range'

Jet flies by. 'And of course it's handy for the airport.'

An exaggeration of estate agents

'Did you auction off our house on eBay?'

'Someday, Son, all this will be your ex-wife's.'

'Now from this room you can get a great view of the whales going by!'

'We do have a property in your price range, but we need a time machine to go back and visit it!'

'Now, it does require some modernisation. . . .'

'The only means of access was via the previous tenant's hair. But not to worry, there's a ladder 'round the back.'

"The high price is due to the great view of the beach."

"Efficiency tombs available"

"I've downsized."

"This town ain't big enough for the both of us and, even if it was, I doubt either of us could afford to buy a place here given the current sellers' market."

"The bank rejected my application for a 2nd mortgage. They said they didn't have 1 in my size."

'It mostly scares the realtors.'

'Here's the 2 acres of beachfront property you bought - too bad it's only six inches wide.'

"Come climate change, you could find yourself sitting beach-front on the French riviera."

"For sale £470,000 house included"

"The only thing we seem to have in your price range is a bird box in Billericay."

"Every once in a while this house comes with a pool."

"We figured why not make some money while we migrate south."

"As president of the tenants' association, I have to inform you that our list of grievances has been eaten."

"Yes, it's nice, but it's lost twenty per-cent of its value in the past year."

"No pressure, but I do have another couple who are very interested."

'There are no skeletons in the closets but you might have troubles with those in the back yard.'

'Three words doc, why you should buy...dislocation,dislocation,dislocation.'

Coming Soon- Trump Circle

'I'm so glad I moved into this basement flat Mary. It's put me on the property ladder and the neighbours are so friendly!'