Household Item Humorist Gifts

Duck Tape.

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

Yard Sale

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

Mouse real estate!

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

How to Build a Bungalow

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Carpet Cows

"Our cat is the only god this home needs."

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'Don't blame me - It's my husband's cooking!'

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'