Household Item Humorist Gifts

Duck Tape.

'Fine stencilling. But have you never thought - Tit Willow, Tit Willow, Tit Willow?'

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

"Take me to your Larder!"

"Garbage in, garbage out!"

The wooden clothes horse of Troy.

'I've had the place gob-stopper-dashed.'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"I was ironing the curtains and fell out of the window..!"

Yard Sale

"I pray that he will enjoy my pie..." "The smell's enough to make me cry!"

"I now pronounce you a partial place setting."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

"For God's sake, Lucille. We're IN a vacuum."

'That's the problem with living with an artist, the fruitbowl is always off...'

'I really hate cleaning this thing.'

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

'I'm not going to remind you again, Harold. Now, go get the garbage and bring it in here.'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

"Mom, Dad, this is Kevin, our new ombudsman."

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

"Why not pay someone to clean out the gutters?" "Total waste of good beer money." And just like that, Gail became a widow.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

Mouse real estate!

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

Desperate Househusbands: 'Help! My wife left me with the kids for two minutes while she ran to the store. Help!'

How to Build a Bungalow

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

"Nice try Kevin, but you've put all your laundry into the dishwasher!"

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

'Barry, I think I know where you left the champagne bottle.'

Of course I've not dusted - You know I favour a matt finish!'

Carpet Cows

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.