Hospital Management Gifts

'M.R.S.A'

'We really should talk about how time constraints preclude applying the skills we were taught, to deal with spiritual distress, but I have to run.'

Virtual Doctor

Local Anaesthesia

Medical Staff

NHS targets.

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

NHS recruitment.

'Here at St Wadlings we like to treat all our patients as individuals...this for example is individual no 76/09bt-c12.'

"We're discharging you this Thursday. Hopefully, we'll find what's wrong with you before then."

"It's part of the new patient feedback protocol."

'This is nurse Rochester, if there's anything worrying you she's the person to share your concerns with so that they get recorded and filed properly.'

"… And then he goes around town whining about how much I charged him. What ever happened to 'doctor-patient confidentiality'?''

'You realize, Dr. Burke, that should anything go wrong, the hospital will disavow any knowledge of your actions.'

'The trouble with you doctors is that you don't really understand what the NHS is for.'

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'

"As part of our 'Safer Staffing' policy we need eight nurses on each ward. Nurse Pettigrew is four of them!"

'You don't know how lucky you are - It was touch and go! If you'd been admitted just minutes later, you wouldn't have got a bed!'

"It had to happen - they've started bringing their own trolleys."

'It's a brand new state-of-the-art waiting room.'

'Who do I report to about lack of front line staff on the ward?'

Hospital Finances.

'We've met our target of a 25% improvement...but that still makes him 75% dead!'

Customer Relationship Management at Surf City Hospital

Angel of Death dangles a carrot on a stick.

Ward Cleaning.

'Due to staff cutbacks, this gentleman will be in charge of your surgery...'

This is Martin from operations, he'll be conducting a review of ward personnel management . . ."

Doctors Discussion

Wards / Mortuary

"Hallo...local hospital? I understand you're short on beds."

"It's our latest targets...We have to do twice as much with half the stuff in a quarter of the time!"

Pay Hospital Bill Here

Health Care is in Trouble