Hospital Administration Gifts

'...by doubling up on patients in the MRI, we're able to cut costs in half...'

'I'm afraid there's been a 23% cut in the 'empathy and compassion' budget so you'll have to tell him to sod off now!'

"Hello, I'm Dr. Jones...assisting me today will be the hospital's CFO, Mr. Peters."

'McWit, I'd like to talk to you about your blood classification system.'

'It's the paperwork you need to fill out to show that we're focusing on patients' needs!'

'Due to budget cuts, the Finance Department says after you finish the resection can you fix the tap?'

'Would you mind if these junior managers have a go at assessing the profitability of your treatment?'

Gynecology pigeon hole

'This is Nurse Jenkins, she'll be responsible for documenting and filing your request to go to the toilet.'

Ambulance arrives at full hospital

'Time for supervision checks, Shirley. I'll do you if you do me.'

$10 a step at the doctor's office.

"The NHS is less 'cradle to the grave' these days than 'cradle to being a bit knackered, stopping off at a few cashpoints on the way'!"

'Don't think of yourself as an insignificant cog in a VAST uncaring bureaucratic machine, but rather as a quite important cost center!'

"The doctor's nurse's nurse practitioner will see you now."

'So from the top. If they need urgent help it's form Ac/765...'

'Sorry, too busy to get you a drink just now, here are your tablets, don't forget to take them with water.'

'It's that glass of water you asked for!'

'What's the view from the administrative side?'

'Rooms are $200 a day, did you want nurses..? bed...? Sheet...?'

"Looks like your HMO dropped you. Too many operations."

"Of course we're fully staffed. One nurse to do the work, two to report on the work and three to monitor the reports on the work..."

'It says: 'Inspected by No. 23'.'

'I got your doc, Doc.'

'The medical society says yes, the hospital says maybe and his lawyer says no.'

'Would you like the ECG tracing of your father's death? It's the least we can do.'

"Obesity is certainly putting a strain on hospital beds."

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Will you raise my allowance? I want to play doctor but can't afford the malpractice insurance.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."