Health Administration Gifts

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

'This is nurse Rochester, if there's anything worrying you she's the person to share your concerns with so that they get recorded and filed properly.'

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

"Boy, am I glad they finally hired more staff!"

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Will you raise my allowance? I want to play doctor but can't afford the malpractice insurance.'

Disease Management

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

Virtual Doctor

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

"Yeah, I know. bu tthe administration didn't want to appear culturally insensitive."

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

This is not the time to be restructuring the NHS in the middle of a pandemic Mr. Hancock!

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'

Coronavirus Global Alert

"You'll feel a pinch now and another one when the bill comes."

London GPs could become an endangered species.

"Your test results are in...now the interpretations can begin."

'Long shift?'

"We've combine the recovery area with the gift shop... just in case your visitors want to pick up a little souvenir."

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. Your HMO won't cover the Anesthesia."

'Did you remove my appendix? Yes, both of them.'

'Yeah, the radiology job market is really hot right now - it's so hot I think I'm getting third degree burns! I gotta go!'

Medical Equipment profit chart.

"We'll have someone to help you as soon as we've recruited and trained them. Shouldn't be more than 5 or 6 years!"

'I only got up for a drink of water, and a queue's formed next to my bed.'