Hospital Administrators Gifts

'The hospital bought 50 of them to help with the nursing shortage.'

'Remember the NHS ethos; if it ain't broke, break it. Then make sure it can't be mended.'

Hospital Stores - "We'll have to clear out stores more often, I've just found this machine for 'ye casting out of devils'."

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"Those are muzzles for whistleblowers."

"Sorry, bad cuts in the NHS budget."

'Please stop talking to the media, Doctor. It's my job to make any rash statements.'

"We're sending you out a little early, due to the chronic bed shortage"

Stolen hospital bed wheels.

End to mixed wards - 'The sight of ladies in their nightdresses was keeping him alive.'

Outpatients - 'Must be patients without health insurance.'

'There's no guidance on pregnancies and swine flu...but I've 138 pages on revised waiting room management strategies..'

NHS Beds Shortage

A female patient in an exam room sees a sign that reads, 'Break glass in case of physician burnout'

"I've done this procedure so often I could do it in my sleep. But that's only happened twice – that I'll admit to."

'You're overdue for your checkup.'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Surgeon finds a doohickey on the patient's thingamabob.

'I want to forewarn you that my HMO won't approve any treatment that uses a needle.'

'Will you raise my allowance? I want to play doctor but can't afford the malpractice insurance.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

"When I grow up, I want to go into medicine and help people who can pay out of pocket."

Disease Management

'A problem with the Phase II trials. Everyone - all the people - was given the placebo, and no one got the drug.'

"No, I won't write your prescription legibly...you'd just google it and ask a lot of dumb questions."

"In case something happens during the surgery and you become incapacitated, have you designated someone to make poor life choices on your behalf?"

Virtual Doctor

'What's wrong with me, Doctor?' 'I have no idea! That information comes within doctor-patient confidentiality.'

"Yeah, I know. bu tthe administration didn't want to appear culturally insensitive."

"How long were you in the waiting room?"

Prospective hospital employee: 'I do sutures. Are there any openings?'

This is not the time to be restructuring the NHS in the middle of a pandemic Mr. Hancock!

Obama Healthcare.

'Sorry, staff shortage.'

'I'd like a second opinion, doctor.'