Hospital Administrator Gifts

"Your medical records are safe with us. We take patient privacy very seriously."

'M.R.S.A'

'...by doubling up on patients in the MRI, we're able to cut costs in half...'

Feeding Tubes Removed $50.

'I'm not a visitor - just next in line for that bed when you've done with it.'

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

'I hate to tell you this, but that should be intensive care.'

Medical Data Base of Useful Information, 5K. Medical Data base of useless information, 500,000,000 MB.

'Breast implants? There must be some mistake. I have you down for knee surgery not breast implants!'

High cost of health care.

'The monitors all show that you're dead... but to be sure, we'll need to run some more tests.'

'Rooms are $200 a day. Did you want nurses. . .? Bed. . .? Sheets. . .?'

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

'I'm glad I put up a suggestion box for my patients, but now I'm a little concerned.'

'And this nurse Jenkins...who we'll be blaming if the hospital kills your husband...'

'The one thing they could reform in healthcare is these gowns.'

MRSA Superbug fears - 'Good news darling! My operation has been cancelled.'

'At last Igor finds a body with the appropriate consent form.'

Virtual Doctor

National Health Service

"You've got a lousy bedside manner"

'The patient's doing well but the budget's hemorrhaging badly.'

'We'll make a mess of this one, you need to learn how to handle a malpractice complaint.'

'Ok, Ms. Feldman, it says on your chart that you were discharged yesterday.'

'I don't give a damn what the chart says! i did not have a hysterectomy!!!'

'Clamp.' - 'So, staff shortages are getting serious.'

'That IS her care pathway.'

'All right, so he dropped the heart. The floor is clean.'

Local Anaesthesia

'I would have been here sooner, if not for a wonderful, caring, competent doctor.'

"He was doing well at first, but then he started drifting in and out of health coverage."

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Spare plug in a hospital ward.

'And this is Mr Proctor, he manages the hospitals whistleblowing support team.'

'How the heck could we lose a $14,000 pacemaker?!'