Hospital Administrator Pillows

"Your medical records are safe with us. We take patient privacy very seriously."

'M.R.S.A'

Feeding Tubes Removed $50.

"I'd have been here sooner if it hadn't been for early detection."

'I'm not a visitor - just next in line for that bed when you've done with it.'

'I hate to tell you this, but that should be intensive care.'

Medical Data Base of Useful Information, 5K. Medical Data base of useless information, 500,000,000 MB.

High cost of health care.

'Breast implants? There must be some mistake. I have you down for knee surgery not breast implants!'

'The monitors all show that you're dead... but to be sure, we'll need to run some more tests.'

'Rooms are $200 a day. Did you want nurses. . .? Bed. . .? Sheets. . .?'

When he got the wrong medication, no one would own up to it. They were real good at covering their own butts.

'The one thing they could reform in healthcare is these gowns.'

'I'm glad I put up a suggestion box for my patients, but now I'm a little concerned.'

'And this nurse Jenkins...who we'll be blaming if the hospital kills your husband...'

MRSA Superbug fears - 'Good news darling! My operation has been cancelled.'

"You've got a lousy bedside manner"

Virtual Doctor

National Health Service

'The patient's doing well but the budget's hemorrhaging badly.'

'At last Igor finds a body with the appropriate consent form.'

'That IS her care pathway.'

'I don't give a damn what the chart says! i did not have a hysterectomy!!!'

'We'll make a mess of this one, you need to learn how to handle a malpractice complaint.'

'Clamp.' - 'So, staff shortages are getting serious.'

'Ok, Ms. Feldman, it says on your chart that you were discharged yesterday.'

'All right, so he dropped the heart. The floor is clean.'

"He was doing well at first, but then he started drifting in and out of health coverage."

Local Anaesthesia

'I would have been here sooner, if not for a wonderful, caring, competent doctor.'

"I know other hospitals are worried about the superbug, but ours is the only one that understands the accounts system."

Spare plug in a hospital ward.

'By the time I'd explained that we were instituting a 360 degree patient facing strategy with a radical new paradigm prioritising blue sky initiatives in a coordinated health management structure he'd gone and died!'

'We thought the 'bed shortage' was bad, until the 'hospital trolley shortage' came along.'

Germs in a hospital ward.