Healthcare Manager Gifts

'We're to spend more time engaging with patients on a more compassionate 'human' level...and here are the guidelines on how to do it!'

'We agreed that your contract was too complicated so we redrafted it to cover your new responsibilities.'

Do yo remember when ALL we had to worry about was the patients?

'This is nurse Rochester, if there's anything worrying you she's the person to share your concerns with so that they get recorded and filed properly.'

And this is individual No. 145t-76 P76...I'm not sure this is Quite what was mean by treating patients as individuals

'And out hospital has rooms...lots of rooms, and some beds, and we've got stairs.'

'Actually I'm a ?39,000-a-year 'Integrated Commissioning Manager' if you really must know.'

'Would you mind if these junior managers have a go at assessing the profitability of your treatment?'

Spin doctors.

'Do you remember when all we had to do was look after people?'

Managed care reducing health insurance costs to the delight of 'business'

'Who do I report to about lack of front line staff on the ward?'

Hospital Finances.

Primary care trusts (PCT) passing work to GPs.

NHS Reforms: See No Evil, Hear No Evil and Speak No Evil.

'This the Assistant to the deputy parliamentary undersecretary for health...he'll be responsible for your accessing a positive care outcome.'

PCTs New 'Balanced Scorecard' may prove one monitoring system to far.

Hospital Deaths - "Congratulations, you're manager of the month again"

'We want you to take power over your work, and this is how we want you to do it.'

'If it wasn't for PFI we wouldn't have a nice new hospital to shut down anyway.'

'The operation we want you to do is to remove 25 from our budgets.'

'The position carries no salary, just healthcare coverage.'

'Effective communication with patients is ESSENTIAL, so we're going to practise drilling down to identify core interpersonal information transfer methodologies to accelerate a meaningful dialogue with Tim.'

"I'm afraid we don't have any doctors available but the NHS has employed a management consultant who is going to give your condition a helpful acronym and set up a policy review committee to consider its treatment."

I'm not overweight , I just have a heavy management infrastructure.

Management of the Sahara falls to the NHS...

'I'm here to offer you the company's free preventive health counseling...DON'T GET SICK OR ELSE!'

"Portnoy, your job is to come up with a disease this expensive drug will cure."

Healthcare Insurance: "I promise to do my best to solve the healthcare mess."

1500 cap on list sizes proposed.

'We've combined our retirement benefits and health care plan into one easy to swallow cyanide capsule.'

"No, the zombie apocalypse hasn't hurt us at all. In fact, our health care costs have plummeted."

'Nasty growth, eh? I recommend you go into hospitals at once!'

Hospital Admissions - "The hospital isn't admitting any liability this morning, gentlemen."

'It's from the HQ...they want us to reduce bullying in the practice or they're going to cut our funding and send someone around to kick our a*****.'