Hospital Life Gifts

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'Hey, there's some clown here that says we got his order by mistake.'

'Urology...can you hold?'

'I stopped taking the medicine because I prefer the original disease to the side effects.'

"John says you've all been compassionate and caring! Would you please stop... or he'll expect that at home!"

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'That IS her care pathway.'

'My patient needs a new kidney. Make any grave mistakes today?'

"Yee-ouch! That's gotta hurt."

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

I.V. snap in elevator.

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

"Cardiac day patients?"

"Mr Miller has bowel trouble."

'Tails it is. OK, that's how we'll take your temperature.'

"The doctor was more lucid today! That's a good sign!"

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

'Watch him lose his arrogance when he has to walk down the a hallway in a hospital gown.'

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

'Forgive the interruption, but can the surgeon wait until after he operates on me to play his chess.'

"Great News Mr Wilkins...you'll still be able to play the harmonica."

'Annnnnd....CUT!' Team of doctors pumping themselves up.

Out of Emergency into Doctor's Lounge

"Spare us the gory details."

"Have your pillows been plumped this morning?"

Knives sharpened

'Actually, it's a quite routine operation -- would you like to make it more interesting?'

'Actually, the loud ringing has stopped, now I hear knocking.'

'Don't try getting polite with me!'

'I guess the transplant went ok - I just got a love letter from my new liver!'

'I've called maintenance about your bed, Mr. Grimes...Mr. Grimes?'

Paramedic to nurse: 'You'd better clear out some rooms. He jumped off a bridge, and all his friends are behind him.'

Hospital Charges: TV ?1 Phone ?1 Nurses 1p per minute.