Hospital Life Gifts

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

'Hey, there's some clown here that says we got his order by mistake.'

'Urology...can you hold?'

'I stopped taking the medicine because I prefer the original disease to the side effects.'

"John says you've all been compassionate and caring! Would you please stop... or he'll expect that at home!"

'It's your four basic food groups.'

'That IS her care pathway.'

'My patient needs a new kidney. Make any grave mistakes today?'

Pay Hospital Bill Here.

"Yee-ouch! That's gotta hurt."

'How the heck could we lose a $14,000 pacemaker?!'

"I think you may have your gown on back to front."

I.V. snap in elevator.

"Cardiac day patients?"

"Let's just start cutting and see what happens."

"Mr Miller has bowel trouble."

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'I'm a practical nurse! -- I know better than to listen to doctors!'

'Tails it is. OK, that's how we'll take your temperature.'

"The doctor was more lucid today! That's a good sign!"

'Watch him lose his arrogance when he has to walk down the a hallway in a hospital gown.'

"Great News Mr Wilkins...you'll still be able to play the harmonica."

'Forgive the interruption, but can the surgeon wait until after he operates on me to play his chess.'

Mortified that her hospital gown did not close all the way in the back...

'Annnnnd....CUT!' Team of doctors pumping themselves up.

Out of Emergency into Doctor's Lounge

'Hi, I'm Dr.Jones. Sorry about my little prank, but it saves us a fortune in enemas.'

Paramedic to nurse: 'You'd better clear out some rooms. He jumped off a bridge, and all his friends are behind him.'

'Actually, it's a quite routine operation -- would you like to make it more interesting?'

Knives sharpened

Hospital Charges: TV ?1 Phone ?1 Nurses 1p per minute.

'Actually, the loud ringing has stopped, now I hear knocking.'

"Have your pillows been plumped this morning?"

"Spare us the gory details."

'Don't try getting polite with me!'