Hospital Experience Survivor Gifts

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'You'll be able to lead a normal life after the operation -- except, of course, for your enormous medical bills.'

"I hope you don't mind - I'm training a brand-new assistant and I've asked her to check your blood pressure."

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'Time for your pills.'

Being Serenading in Casualty

"I never imagined I'd be up on my feet this soon."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

'Your doing GREAT! Tomorrow you should be able to eat hospital food!'

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

'What's the diagnosis?' - '*Cough*' - 'It's not good, I'm afraid.' - 'Tell me. I have to know.' - 'You have man flu, Peel.' - 'Why, God? Why?!!' - 'I'm so sorry.' -

'You're either getting smaller or they're giving you bigger pillows.'

"Please fill out these forms. We don't need them for anything, but you're making me nervous staring at your watch."

B.O.H.I.C.A. Memorial

"Congratulations, counselor - it's a baby boy, with a full set of teeth."

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"Your condition appears to have deteriorated considerably since your last cheque bounced."

"Actually, I didn't become dizzy and nauseous until I started inhaling the scent strips in the waiting room magazines."

"The surgery went well. You'll be issued a 'Contains No Nuts' card upon discharge."

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

'I told you we should have packed a lunch.'

'His mother wants to know if you'll give him a haircut after you remove his tonsils.'

'There's been a little mixup, Mr. Root. The computer has the virus not you.'

New You Plastic Surgery. That's right, doctor, I gave her the bill and her nose went right out of joint again.

"It's not for soaking your feet. . . it's a bed pan."

'The hospital food was terrible, but the savings were substantial.'

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. The anesthesiologist is on vacation."

'Let's order one more MRI, just to play it safe.'

"Hey, I'm just happy the transplant worked at all."

'Gee!'

'...Or, in layman's terms, Ay caramba!'

"I imagine it takes a while to get turned around after spending a month in the hospital."