Hospital Survivor Gifts

'I suppose I have been waiting quite a while. I've managed to read War and Peace'.

"That which doesn't kill you might give you stomach trouble."

'The hospital food was terrible, but the savings were substantial.'

'Time for your pills.'

'We got your test results back. Read it and weep.' Bedside bloopers

'Honey, I wish you wouldn't bring your work home with you!'

"You may have been the victim of a mis-sold PFI contract."

Dancing Doctor

'Before you see any patients have you completed your hand sterilisation and soap management course?'

"Unfortunately, there's no cure—there's not even a race for a cure."

Woman in hospital has i.v. attached to plant.

'Don't be alarmed if you hear the toilet flush a lot. Since you don't feel well, I thought I'd wash the dishes for you.'

Kid with plaster cast being sawn off.

'What's holding him up?'

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'

"Hey, I got you a beautiful orchid to cheer you up until it turns into just a stick protruding from dirt."

'Could you be more specific than you feel zucky?'

"You're sick of this? Just try to imagine how we feel."

Doctor receiving advice from patient's mother

'The doctor will be with you shortly, he's finishing medical school.'

"...we have a heart-lung-kidney-liver-spleen machine."

"Grandmother, what big diastolic numbers you have."

"It appears your anus transplant has rejected you..."

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

"I'm sure he'll pull through. He's always been a real fighter."

Medical Examinations.

"Which one goes down his bronchial tract and which one goes up his arse?"

'...but besides this, how are you doing?'

'Very funny!'

"Dr. Eliot, would you let the dog out?"

"You call all this a side effect?"

"First, do no harm. After that, go nuts."

Surgery has sign on wall saying 'To Err is Human.'

"They also left a pamphlet on the benefits of breast feeding."

"I'll have someone come in and prep you for the bill."