Surgery Survivor Gifts

"You'll be awake during the entire procedure. The anesthesiologist is on vacation."

'See? The idiots put my danged knee replacement in backward!'

'You have an 85% chance of surviving this and 20% chance of wishing you hadn't.'

"Hey, I'm just happy the transplant worked at all."

In case of poor surgery, break glass for malpractice attorney.

'Don't worry. That questionnaire is a lot more intrusive than your surgery will be.'

'Barb had her stomach replaced with a mouse's stomach to help her eat less.'

'Gee!'

'His mother wants to know if you'll give him a haircut after you remove his tonsils.'

"The surgery went well. You'll be issued a 'Contains No Nuts' card upon discharge."

"Have you considered spinal fusion?"

'I told you you'd be out cold for the whole operation.'

'Except for the part when he fell of the table, your husband's operation was a complete success...'

While you're at it, will you sew on my shirt button please?

'If it has the word 'ectomy' after it, I've already had it.'

'Well, at least we were able to remove that pesky hangnail. So, you have to be pretty stoked about that."

"I'm going to have to make this quick, God. I just ask that you watch over me during my double knee replacement tomorrow."

'If it has the word 'ectomy' after it, I've already had it.'

New You Plastic Surgery. That's right, doctor, I gave her the bill and her nose went right out of joint again.

"It wasn't a carcinoma at all- it was just an itty-bitty attorney."

'I don't believe it. Five minutes after he gets the darn thing, he has an arrest!'

'He's been like this ever since he had his laser eye treatment.'

Piano and Pianist with broken legs.

Barbeque Casualty.

Gary turns 40.

The operation was going extremely well, but then very unexpectedly, he got trampled.

"She fell down stairs again, so this is her third hip."

'Oh, believe me -- you don't want to hear it in layman's terms!'

No caption. (Man wearing a cast is in traction. He imagines sheep lining up to jump fence. Sheep also wear casts.)

'He usually doesn't follow medical advice, but when the doctor told him to learn to relax...'

'The funny part is that the aerial was fine -- the TV set was just unplugged!'

En garde!

"She keeps getting a stitch in her side."

"Picasso: Post cataract surgery."

'Thanks, but I don't expect you to chew my food for me.'