Horticultural Humorist Gifts

"I think this calls for a number 3 rake."

'I was tired of my goaty, so I decided to grow a moustache...'

'We're working to develope it into a perennial.'

Three Circles of Gardener's Hell.

Disappointed farmer hammers OUT OF ORDER sign into field of wilted crops.

Monstrosa Impressus

"Wow yes, it's a lovely garden, but I can only see flowers: not a carrot in sight..."

"And that's just the tip of the iceberg."

Cover story: Plant World.

'I thought she'd never stop talking!'

Green Fingers.

Technical Terms Explained: Suckers.

"Wordplay - transplant. I used to be a gladiola."

Argutifolius Fistulosis

"Aren't those dead flowers fake?"

"We can do this the easy way, or we can do this the hard way."

"Monsieur, si vous plaît. I'm sure I ordered the fusilli and not the Fusilier."

Something Wilted This Way Comes.

A Copy Editor and His Dog

'You must be Jim's new gardener. I'm his neighbour, Gerald. Had any luck with the Petunias this year? Aren't those Jim's feet sticking out of the ornamental pond?'

Football Chameleon

Garden Shop - Top Soil, Bottom Soil (manure)

'Yes, all at once!'

Emergency Hipster Beard

'On second thought, let's try it the other way around... My head on a lion's body.'

"I’ve heard of them barking at the moon, but never scatting at the sun."

"Suddenly, you’re a fan of New England stone work?"

This is NOT 'nipping out'.

"Fangul." Italian sausage.

Government survey into the effects of haggis throwing in Ethiopia.

'That GMO gene salesman was darn right!'

'So much for talking to plants. I distinctly heard it tell me to shut up!'

'When we all get together, we sure are vulgar.'

"I was hoping Calvin would grow up to be top sirloin..."

The Scottish Lawn