Horoscope Specialist Gifts

"You're always in a bad mood when you visit."

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Nostradamus.

Yeah, well, I only failed my logic exam because I'm a Pisces and my professor's a Leo.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

"Who's there?"

"Eye irritation is quite common when Saturn and Jupiter are in this position. It's called conjunctivitis."

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

'Don't you think it's strange that all snakes are Aries, Taurus or Gemini...?'

Al, you look nonplussed. I just heard that they discovered a new astrological sign, and my birthday now falls under the sign of the jackass.

doom.com

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

That foggy, closed-in feeling will dissipate soon, giving you a clear view of what is ahead.

"For what it's worth, next week all your stars and planets will be in good aspect for you to launch an invasion of England."

'Dr. Hall's horoscope says not to tamper with another person's heart, so he's postponing your bypass surgery until next week.'