Horoscope Readers Gifts

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"I always start the day by reading my horror scope."

'Hey, baby! You're a Virgo, right? We're compatible! I'm a Sagittarius unneutered cat hunter and mailman biter in ascendant Capricorn'!

Capricorn/goat

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Nostradamus.

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

Al, you look nonplussed. I just heard that they discovered a new astrological sign, and my birthday now falls under the sign of the jackass.

"Who's there?"

doom.com

'Don't you think it's strange that all snakes are Aries, Taurus or Gemini...?'

That foggy, closed-in feeling will dissipate soon, giving you a clear view of what is ahead.

'Will I ever catch my tail?'

'I'm a Pisces.'

'According to my horoscope one of us is going on a long journey.'

". . . and in the corner to my right, weighing 217 pounds, fighting as a Capricorn with Capricorn rising and Mars conjunct Uranus in the fifth, out of Beaufort, South Carolinaaa. . ."

'I don't believe in astrology. I think that's because I'm a Leo.'