Horoscope Reading Gifts

'This is Astral Bob. He reads horoscopes.'

"Your moon is squaring Saturn, so I can tell you're shy and withdrawn."

"Can you wait just a minute while I check my latest horoscope?"

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

"Why bother?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You're solemates!"

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"It will be all your fault."

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

YOU HAVE A VERY LARGE GENIUS GRANT LINE.

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

"I see you, I see a vet, you're sore for weeks afterwards."

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'Before we begin, let me see what my fortune cookie says.'

Melissa's Mark Prediction Service

"To listen to your instincts, press one."

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Nostradamus.

"I'm afraid your wife gets to say 'I told you so.'"

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

"Out today due to foreseen circumstances."

Fortune teller describes to angler the size of the fish he's going to catch.

Big Medium