Horoscope Gifts

Your ability to work under pressure is evident.

Sagittarius/archer

'I said - you don't want to read YOUR stars this morning, Fred!'

Libra/scales

"Actually, I'm a Sagittarius."

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Nostradamus.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

doom.com

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

Al, you look nonplussed. I just heard that they discovered a new astrological sign, and my birthday now falls under the sign of the jackass.

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

'Don't you think it's strange that all snakes are Aries, Taurus or Gemini...?'

"Who's there?"

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

That foggy, closed-in feeling will dissipate soon, giving you a clear view of what is ahead.

'According to my horoscope one of us is going on a long journey.'