Horoscope Hobbyist Gifts

'Happy 2015.'

'On your mark. Get set. Create!'

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Nostradamus.

"This says you should expect to spend six months and at least $800 building the perfect lowrider bike."

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

"Who's there?"

doom.com

'Don't you think it's strange that all snakes are Aries, Taurus or Gemini...?'

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

'How about if we choose teams based on who has the coolest stamp collection.'

Person Reading For Pleasure

"Howard, you've met my ukulele ladies before."

'Dr. Hall's horoscope says not to tamper with another person's heart, so he's postponing your bypass surgery until next week.'

'I'm a Pisces.'

Man imagines his pregnant partner as an impossible bottle.