Horoscope Reader Gifts

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'Far out! How did you pick me as a leo?'

'My horoscope says I'm going to meet a bearded horny stranger.'

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You're a lesbian, how nice, I'm a pisces"

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

"So, you're certain that it will be okay for me to travel during December ... "

'I said - you don't want to read YOUR stars this morning, Fred!'

Cancer/crab

'Well, well, well, someone didn't read their Horoscope this morning.'

'Your horoscope says stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' - 'I'd better cancel my dentist appointment.'

Scorpio/scorpion

"Honey, it's not what you think! Daniel's zodiac is Pisces..."

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

"No, no, no! Stop right there! According to my horoscope, I'm supposed to have a good day!"

Gemini/people

Psychic news - 'This guy fancies me'.

This is not a good day to buy your mate a gun.

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

Sagittarius/archer

Horoscope: Capricorn.

I'm emulating my dad - running around with mags like this. Looking smart...and in truth I'm just reading the funnies and the horoscopes!

I see from your C.V. that you are a Scorpio and your favourite colour is red.

Curl up in front of a roaring fire tonight.

Your Star.

Thanks to low overhead, you are able to branch out and diversify your assets.

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"The Chinese Zodiac told me to marry a sheep. Who am I to question hundreds of years of ancient Chinese wisdom?"

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."