Horoscope Specialist T-Shirts

"You're always in a bad mood when you visit."

"Let me just check my email, my texts, my missed calls, Instagram, Facebook, Twitter, WhatsApp, my credit score, my horoscope, the results of this latest personality test, the S. & P., the Dow, the news, this article about cute dogs, and the weather, and then we can go."

"I'll bet your're a Taurus. Right?"

'I sense that someone is about to swindle you.' 'Wow, thanks for the warning! How much do I owe you?'

"You can't possibly know how I feel. Everybody likes you."

"...Wow, if Malcolm Gladwell is right, we need to get a cat who's a Virgo ASAP!"

"First they came for the horoscope and the crossword and I did nothing. Then they came for the cartoonists and there was no-one left to satirise it."

'If you had been born two days later you'd have been kind and clever with a great sense of humour.'

Astrological forecasts of the rich and famous

"Lighten up! Your charts aren't that bad."

'Horoscope, stay indoors and keep your mouth shut.' 'So, no dentist.'

'My horoscope said I was going to make someone happy today.'

'We're an equal opportunity employer and we do not discriminate against sex, race, religion, age, or astrological sign.'

"Do you take this man to be your lawfully wedded husband, for richer or poorer, in sickness or in health, when Jupiter is in his 6th house or Saturn is in his 2nd, until death do you part?"

'No wonder I'm exhausted. Look at my horoscope.'

Your climb up the company ladder starts now.

'My horoscope says I'm due for a surprise today.'

'My horoscope said I would be taking a long trip today.'

Nostradamus.

"We're not compatible. I'm a Virgo and your an idiot..."

"My real money comes from my TV news appearances predicting stock market rises and falls."

You will awake to discover a dream come true.

It says, you're going to meet a nice Pisces for a romantic dinner.

'It wouldn't work - you're Leo and I'm Sagittarius.'

doom.com

"Who's there?"

'Don't you think it's strange that all snakes are Aries, Taurus or Gemini...?'

'Hmphh, your horoscope says you're going to have a date, with a Taurus, and I'm a Gemini.'

"Eye irritation is quite common when Saturn and Jupiter are in this position. It's called conjunctivitis."

Horoscope - Look out for Large Windfall (Man crushed by giant apple).

That foggy, closed-in feeling will dissipate soon, giving you a clear view of what is ahead.

'According to my horoscope one of us is going on a long journey.'

'Dr. Hall's horoscope says not to tamper with another person's heart, so he's postponing your bypass surgery until next week.'

'I'm a Pisces.'