Home Heating Humorist Gifts

"Microwave to replace gas or oil central heating?" "Yes. Think how cheap it is to microwave a cup of tea!"

'Darling - I think it's time to stop feeding the birds.'

Aqua Filter (frog jumping out).

'You shouldn't have taken that personal pension.' 'You shouldn't have taken that endowment mortgage.' 'When do you get your free tv license?' Job's comforters, today.

'...and remember, son, never throw up on an old carpet...wait until they get a new one!'

"I feel like tearing of all your clothes and putting them in the washing machine."

"Are you looking for metric or imperial sized neck bolts?"

Yard Sale

'Dinner will be ready soon -- the submarine sandwiches are soaking now.'

"Since you had so much fun with the Home Equity Loan I gave you, this year's stocking will be filled with a shiny new Notice of Foreclosure."

'Oh, Olivia, I just love your new caption! Where on earth did you find it?'

Pest Control

"Actually, 'Loss of Limb' would be covered under your homeowners policy."

'Is the fire included?'

'On today's market a property like this could fetch 175k... but with themed rooms, stone cladding, avocado bathroom suite and garden gnomes, you're talking closer to 95..!'

It's from the homeowners association --- They want me to stop leaving my worries on the doorstep.

'Beware you don't trip over him!'

'No it's still not fixed'

'I don't want to be a nuisance, you can shoot me if it's more convenient.'

"Whoa - You're gonna need a whole new string!"

How to Build a Bungalow

'It isn't supposed to taste good. It's furniture polish.'

Carpet Cows

'She let the bedbugs bite.'

It' complications galore for Sparky when easy-to-assemble instructions are read upside down.

'Classic literature for D.I.Y. haters'

'It seems good, and he said the bit at the bottom is the name of the architect.'

See the house whose property taxes were raised

'If straw and sticks don't appeal, I do have something in brick that might interest you.'

'When did you get a ceiling fan?'

We're with the gutter cleaning service ….

'There's nothing romantic about not being able to mend a fuse at your age!'

Need something from the fridge? This looks like a job for...Indoorman!

Oh, yeah, we love having a walk-out basement.

'We decided to rent out the back room until the baby comes.'