Hollywood Award Season Gifts

"Hello. I'm director Bob ('Blue Fires') Munsey and this is screenwriter Doris ('Highway to Nowhere') Winslow."

"Thanks to the Oscars, we're going to be the hottest finger food this season."

"For the best picture not having won anything thereby being eliminated from this category..."

Screenwriters pitch movie to studio boss: 'It's a reinterpretation of Bicycle Thieves, that classic of Italian neo-realism. We're calling it, Dude, Where's My Chopper?'

King Kong uses fly spray against the pesky planes on top of the Empire State Building

"Remind me: Is it the New York Critics Award or the Sundance Audience Prize that always lets us down?"

"Seth, here, is one of the best young creative compromisers in the business."

Marilyn Monroe - Spot the Difference

'Gosh, really? You've never been on any reality show at all?'

"To save time, I'll just mention the people I’m not thanking."

Canadian film production

'...And now, the film most criticized for eroding traditional family values, the nominees are...'

"We need to make it through at least one movie, so we have something to root for during the Oscars."

'... and the winner for 'The Noisiest Picture of the Year' is...'

Movie Awards. Winner. It's been a big night for Ernie! He won three times at the movie-set caterer awards! On one set he made a healthy, refreshing beverage that received rave reviews from the cast and crew. He won the "best pitcher" award for it. Did they say he won for best costumes? No, his dressings won. His sticky buns won also. For "best leading roll" performance, right? No, for best "cinnamontography"!

Why you've never heard of Ricky Rat.

'Hey, Charlie, have we got good news for you!'

Enterpe, Terpsichore, Calliope, and Bernie, their agent.

"OK, stop me if you've never heard this before!"

Tom Hanks

"Not fair! Being really into movies is my thing!"

Movie Awards. That movie always comes alone and never stays for the after-party. It's an independent film.

"Which part are you reading for?"

'For the actress who benefitted most by rehab...'

Film Star Robert de Niro

'And the Award goes to...Ewww...him?'

'Harlow, why can't you be passionate like Mel Gibson?'

Quentin Tarantino

"They tell me you're a man who has True Magritte."

Jim Carrey,

Martin Scorsese

'Vital mission - movie parody'

"It's touching, actually, to see white dudes fumble around for a few last moments in the spotlight."

Blockbuster Billion Club

Los Angeles, 1928: Mickey Mouse Emerges from the Primordial Ooze.